i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
