Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did I show you my penis last night?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
