3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
