i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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