she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
