I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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