I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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