Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
