I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
