you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
