What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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