Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
