My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
