I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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