I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
