I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
