dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
