my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
