I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
