So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
