If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
