I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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