im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
