You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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