I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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