Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
