You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
being pregnant is like rehab
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize