i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
