its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
