Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
