apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
