i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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