Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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