nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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