I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
