I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize