Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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