My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
