Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
