Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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