The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
