while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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