Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
