thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
