I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
