Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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