we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
