Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
