So drunk its hurt
i jhust puked up my retainher.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Randomize
