I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
