There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
