i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
did i walk over a car last night?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
