do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
