broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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